hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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