he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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