Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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