How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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