He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
