he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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