erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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