Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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