I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
