I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
