he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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