fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
