My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize