In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
