Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
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