i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
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