My sheets look like a crime scene.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize