I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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