Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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