She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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