Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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