Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
