you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
