I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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