just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
