I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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