he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
