Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
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