Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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