my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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