this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
