Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
