Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
