Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She told me I should be a condom model.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
