You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
