Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
where does the pee come out of this thing
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
