Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize