I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
