What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
