I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
