overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
