your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
my shit smells like andre
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
