Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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