I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
