we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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