Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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