Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
