My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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