I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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