My liver just broke up with me...
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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