Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
