i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize