I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
