Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
