Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
When are your genitals available?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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