a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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