The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
