Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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