i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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