So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
