There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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