Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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