whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
