Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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